We’ve all had them. I, being an owner of not one but 2 X chromosomes, get to experience this feeling at least once a month. But again, this is not a feeling that exclusive to females or even overweight females. EVERYONE has a fat girl inside them. I personally enjoy it when I see men cry. It’s like a train wreck where you simply can’t turn away but its interesting and uncomfortable all at the same time.
Also, I should specify that most fat girl moments arise out of thin air. Not to be confused with being emo although the symptoms are similar. It’s not heartache or a reaction to anything in particular, it can only be attributed to some sort of emotional tiredness that humans have.
Once I had an ex who got so upset that she started crying and laughing at the same time. For the record, NO ONE knows how to react to this. It’s as confusing to observers as it is to you. I personally went for the “treat you like a baby that just fell while trying to walk” approach.
"It’s ok!! It’s ok!!’ I screamed and then I waved something shiny and started dancing like an idiot until she stopped.
Shall we? :
Number 5: The Smiths - How Soon Is Now
"There’s a club, if you’d like to go
You could meet someone who really loves you
So you go and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home
And you cry
And you want to die”
If that seriously doesn’t make you cry and laugh at the same time, I don’t know what will. Now, I have to admit that if I genuinely wanted to make this easy I would have chosen 5 songs by The Smiths and gone to bed. Don’t get me wrong, I love Morrissey and The Smiths but it’s Fat Girl 101. And for the record, to reiterate the fact that EVERYONE is a fat girl, I once read a fascinating article about how the majority of kids that would go to Morrissey conventions were actually LA Latino gangbangers. Yes, just like the ones in the movies.
What do you know about “This Charming Man”, mang?
You can do some further reading here: http://www.aquariumdrunkard.com/2005/06/21/morrissey’s-latino-fanbase/
Number 4: Death Cab for Cutie - Different Names for the Same Place
I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure that this song is just talking about how bummed out you are while you’re on your way to work.
Here’s something I will never understand: Ben Gibbard (front man for DCFC) has written some of the world’s most depressing songs ever. Even his most popular love song is about having a suicide pact with your significant other! The man is married to Zooey Deschanel who is not only the most adorable person on earth but also the most positive. If I were married to Zooey Deschanel I would be singing about rainbows and chocolate all damn day. Also, every single person would look like this guy to me:
Number 3: Joy Division - Atmosphere
Ian Curtis (may he rest in peace) was the king of the contradiction. First, he’s telling me to walk away in silence but then he DOESN’T want me to walk away in silence and then he gets all cryptic. Again, crying and laughing.
Fat girl symptom #23971: crying into your ice cream and then realizing you are upset you’re fat.
Number 2: Nina Simone - Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood
I really like playing this song whenever I get mad over paying bills. That always how imagine the scenario in this song going. It’s an apology about displaced anger, if you ask me. We’ve all done it. You’re having THAT day and you start wondering why you’re flipping out at the cashier at Whole Foods for not carrying the organic couscous and next thing you know you’re telling him about how rough you’ve got it.
No, that hasn’t happened to you? Yeah…..me neither.
Number 1: Radiohead - No Surprises
Every time I hear a Radiohead song in public I pretend to slit my wrists and THIS is the ultimate wrist slitting song (Disclaimer: I do not in any way shape or form endorse the slitting of one’s wrists)
But for real, everything sucks to Thom Yorke in this song. His job, the government, his girlfriend….just everything. Yet, there’s something so great about it. You WANT to fall into the depression with this song because you’re tried. It’s a song about how the routine of your life is getting you down. I live in New York and as much as a love my hometown there are just some days where the street musicians and the honking cars aren’t so charming. In fact, they’re annoying. And THAT’S the cue to play “No Surprises” and eat a cheeseburger.
Make it a double.