The “I’m having a fat girl with braces trying to eat cake while crying moment” Top 5

We’ve all had them. I, being an owner of not one but 2 X chromosomes, get to experience this feeling at least once a month. But again, this is not a feeling that exclusive to females or even overweight females. EVERYONE has a fat girl inside them. I personally enjoy it when I see men cry. It’s like a train wreck where you simply can’t turn away but its interesting and uncomfortable all at the same time. 

Also, I should specify that most fat girl moments arise out of thin air. Not to be confused with being emo although the symptoms are similar. It’s not heartache or a reaction to anything in particular, it can only be attributed to some sort of emotional tiredness that humans have. 

Once I had an ex who got so upset that she started crying and laughing at the same time. For the record, NO ONE knows how to react to this. It’s as confusing to observers as it is to you. I personally went for the “treat you like a baby that just fell while trying to walk” approach.

"It’s ok!! It’s ok!!’ I screamed and then I waved something shiny and started dancing like an idiot until she stopped.

Shall we? :

Number 5: The Smiths - How Soon Is Now

"There’s a club, if you’d like to go
You could meet someone who really loves you
So you go and you stand on your own
And you leave on your own
And you go home
And you cry
And you want to die” 

If that seriously doesn’t make you cry and laugh at the same time, I don’t know what will. Now, I have to admit that if I genuinely wanted to make this easy I would have chosen 5 songs by The Smiths and gone to bed. Don’t get me wrong, I love Morrissey and The Smiths but it’s Fat Girl 101. And for the record, to reiterate the fact that EVERYONE is a fat girl, I once read a fascinating article about how the majority of kids that would go to Morrissey conventions were actually LA Latino gangbangers. Yes, just like the ones in the movies.

What do you know about “This Charming Man”, mang?

You can do some further reading here: http://www.aquariumdrunkard.com/2005/06/21/morrissey’s-latino-fanbase/

Number 4: Death Cab for Cutie - Different Names for the Same Place

I’m no genius but I’m pretty sure that this song is just talking about how bummed out you are while you’re on your way to work.

Here’s something I will never understand: Ben Gibbard (front man for DCFC) has written some of the world’s most depressing songs ever. Even his most popular love song is about having a suicide pact with your significant other! The man is married to Zooey Deschanel who is not only the most adorable person on earth but also the most positive. If I were married to Zooey Deschanel I would be singing about rainbows and chocolate all damn day. Also, every single person would look like this guy to me:

Number 3: Joy Division - Atmosphere

Ian Curtis (may he rest in peace) was the king of the contradiction. First, he’s telling me to walk away in silence but then he DOESN’T want me to walk away in silence and then he gets all cryptic. Again, crying and laughing.

Fat girl symptom #23971: crying into your ice cream and then realizing you are upset you’re fat.

Number 2: Nina Simone - Don’t Let Me Be Misunderstood

I really like playing this song whenever I get mad over paying bills. That always how imagine the scenario in this song going. It’s an apology about displaced anger, if you ask me. We’ve all done it. You’re having THAT day and you start wondering why you’re flipping out at the cashier at Whole Foods for not carrying the organic couscous and next thing you know you’re telling him about how rough you’ve got it.

No, that hasn’t happened to you? Yeah…..me neither.

Number 1: Radiohead - No Surprises

Every time I hear a Radiohead song in public I pretend to slit my wrists and THIS is the ultimate wrist slitting song (Disclaimer: I do not in any way shape or form endorse the slitting of one’s wrists)

But for real, everything sucks to Thom Yorke in this song. His job, the government, his girlfriend….just everything. Yet, there’s something so great about it. You WANT to fall into the depression with this song because you’re tried. It’s a song about how the routine of your life is getting you down. I live in New York and as much as a love my hometown there are just some days where the street musicians and the honking cars aren’t so charming. In fact, they’re annoying. And THAT’S the cue to play “No Surprises” and eat a cheeseburger.

Make it a double.

The “I love this song but I have no idea what its about” Top 5

Everyone has had that moment in the car where you’re rocking out to a good song but you completely blank on some of the lyrics and then you come in doubly loud on the hook or chorus to make up for it. But then you have the situation where a song comes up that you like but you just let it ride. You either don’t bother to sing anything or you only sing select sounds. An “oooh” or a “yeah, yeah” maybe.

Now I don’t consider myself a daft person in the slightest. Yes, that’s a bit cocky but hey, I shelled out for college, I’m usually grammatically correct and I have a fantastic theory about how Fraggle Rock is actually the representation of humans working below God.

Dog = God 

Get it? Listen, it sounded really awesome when I was high.

Anyway, as a relatively imaginative person, I’m pretty open to abstract ideas and how you can relate them to relationships, life or love. So taking a song for example like “Bein’ Green” or “What’s Goin’ On” and linking it up to commentary on the Civil Rights Movement isn’t foreign to me. I get that. 

And to be fair, there are a lot of things I don’t get and will probably never get. Things like football (Seriously, it’s been explained to me 20 times and every time all I hear is “catch…then fall”) or math (if we are talking about something that requires me to count more than all my fingers then I probably got it wrong). But the great thing about interpreting music is that you can be a little uppity about it because there isn’t that much room for error.

Usually. 

Then these songs happen:

Number 5:  The Beatles- I Am The Walrus

So the thing about bringing up any Beatles song from the LSD/Hare Krishna era is that you have to come up with an explanation so profound that you wind up confusing yourself. Because its THE BEATLES and God forbid everything they did wasn’t so existentially deep because otherwise the world will implode.

I reckon they were just really high.

Here’s what one of the brilliant minds over at songmeanings.net had to say:

a philosophy for life: everyone in their lifetime is at one point the walrus, the eggman, and even.. the goo goo goo joob. so i suppose the walrus is the leader, the eggman is the follower, and the goo goo goo joob is just undecided. this song holds all the answers.

— magicnudiesuit

I don’t want to be a goo goo goo joob! Wait, what the fuck IS a goo goo goo joob?

This is always why I preferred McCartney over Lennon. Paul never confused me. “Maybe I’m Amazed”…yes! John you should’ve warned me that “Norwegian Wood” was about a prostitute, though, I almost got that tattooed on me thinking it was about falling in love for the first time. Trickery.

Next up…..

Number 4: The Carpenters: Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft

  

Ugh. This makes me sad. This was probably the lowest point in The Carpenters career. At this point Karen’s anorexia was full-blown and the times were changing. They were still trying to keep relevant so they had a decision to make “Disco or Star Wars?” Ahh, of course you go for the space theme! Richard Carpenter probably thought to himself “Yes, I will write a song about being an alien that way no one will notice that I’m a closeted homosexual and that my sister lost 60 pounds in the span of a month!”

Le sigh.

songmeanings.net writer writes:

I believe that to fully understand the meaning of this song, you must be driving around aimlessly in your beat up `82 Cadillac Eldorado so frigging high out of your mind you may as well be up there with the inhabitants of the interplanetary quite extraordinary craft.

—DaveJunior

I think we’re starting to see a theme here.

Number 3: Portugal The Man- AKA M80 The Wolf

I think this song is about watching Bob Ross. 

floz2323 on songmeanings.net writes:

Could this be about the nature of art and the music industry? Asking them to paint various things could mean the music industry wanting them to conform their art to certain rules that will help it sell. I think the last verse could be reffering to the band trying to find success with their art, but in a way that they can be proud of, and having to pass many people attemption to lure them off of the path that they picked out (“through baited trails, we’ll find you there”). 

Ok, it could be that but it could also be about watching Bob Ross paint while you’re stoned.

Number 2: Ariel Pink’s Haunted Graffiti- Are You Gonna Look After My Boys?

Yeaaaaaaaaaah, so where do you start with this one?

So on the surface this one seems simple. I thought it was just about a guy running out on his family. He’s fed up with his kids so he leaves them with his ex-wife and throws a check under the door, right? Nothing I’m getting that I can’t get after watching an episode of “Maury”.

I looked everywhere for anyone that could give me an interpretation of this song.

Nothing.

No one can figure out what its about. So I could be right or I have simplified it so much so that I completely lost all meaning? It could just be about his balls. Yeah, it’s probably about his balls.

And finally……..

Number One: PM Dawn- Set Adrift On A Memory Bliss

If I could, I’d have illegitimate children with this song. 

Let’s get this straight, PM really likes this girl, see? But she’s engaged? But they used to be together? But she’s actually just a dream? But then they do a neutron dance? But to Spandau Ballet’s “True”? But then Kelly Bundy shows up?

Damn, I lost it. So close. Well, I was never a Kelly Bundy kind of woman anyway. I was Kelly Kapowski all the way.

She still could get it but only if she brings back the “Amber” to Tiffani Thessien.

I guess that ship has sailed right along with PM Dawn’s career. I should probably go get high now.

The “I’m way hotter than your girlfriend/boyfriend so we should do it.” Top 5.

Ahh, yes. We’ve all been there; unrequited love….or lust. Yeah, just lust and lots of it. Me personally, I lived in the unrequited lust zone for a good 8 years of my life so I’m well equipped to handle such a list. 

Now, the first thing you have to remember when you are in unrequited lust is that you are not a victim. You are oddly confident. You’re really special and therefore this person is an absolute idiot to not want to just leave their significant other, wrap you in their arms and make love to you all types of sideways ‘til the morning comes. Again, this is not unrequited love we’re talking about. In unrequited love your heart aches every. single. day. It’s horrible. I will probably tackle the unrequited love top 5 one day but understand that it can’t contain any sexiness. You’re too sad to think about sex, all you wanna do its cry to yourself all day, drink too much beer and watch things on TV that you don’t even like. Things like “That 70’s Show”, because you are so sad that you know if you surf the channels you will never find something that will cheer you up.

But enough of that. 

Number 5: Usher - You Make Me Wanna

Damn, dude. Sucks to be your girl. But everything that Usher says in this song is exactly what you want someone to say to you in this situation.

You make me want to leave the one I’m with. Start a new relationship with you.

YES! I mean, thats cool. I’m not at all bothered by your shirtless dance moves and you’re obnoxiously large ears which I KNOW you will eventually grow into. You’re girlfriend does though, doesn’t she? Well, I appreciate you.

I want you, Usher (I actually don’t but if Usher were someone I wanted to be with then yes. But for the record he’s not. Like, at all. He lost me after “Confessions”) and you want me. So let’s do this but don’t let your girlfriend find out, ok?

Wait, I cant believe I didn’t put together that this was the pre-cursor to “Confessions”. Hmm.

Number 4: Janet Jackson- If

LADY BONER ALERT!!!

If you don’t want to run out and hump anything after listening to this song then you should declare your sexual organ dead.

If I was your girl. Oh, the things that I would do to you. I’d make you call out my name. I’d ask who it belongs to. If I was your woman, the things I’d do to you.

Never mind the fact that she goes into detail about how she masturbates to the thought of going down on you. This track comes from the 1993 album janet. (Yes, the one where she’s half naked on the cover with a pair of man hands covering her boobs) which features a plethora of super sexy tracks like “That’s The Way Love Goes”, “Anytime, Anyplace” and “Throb”. Now back when this came out, I was about 9 or 10 and anything sexy automatically made me feel uneasy. I remember watching the video for this song for the first time, getting a tingly sensation in my crotch area, not knowing why, turning off the TV and feeling really dirty after.

Thank god, that doesn’t happen anymore. 

Moving on………..

Number 3: Jeff Buckley- Everybody Here Wants You

Oh, Jeffery, why’d you have to go swimming?

This, right here, is confidence. Pure liquid courage.

I’m only here for this moment. I know everybody here wants you. I know everybody here thinks he needs you. But I’ll be waiting right here just to show you how our love will blow it all away.

How can you not want someone to say that to you? Seriously. It’s just plain classy. Jeff was a pretty classy guy so I’m sure this girl slept with him immediately after hearing this. Actually, I know she did.

Number 3: Chromeo- Bonafide Lovin’

Haha, more like BONE-ifide lovin’.

Sorry. 

Anywho, How fresh is Dave on this? Basically he’s calling your boyfriend a total loser in about 15 different ways.

Let me tell you that I saw your boyfriend walking down the street. He was standing all shaky, hands all sweaty and he could hardly speak. Let me take a minute or two to put you on to some game. You got a boy like him, a man like me and that’s just not the same

….your man is a buster.

And finally we get to the end of the countdown:

Number 1: Rick Springfield- Jessie’s Girl

This guy wants to screw his friend over for this girl. Ouch. 

Also, lets talk about the usage of the word “moot” in this song. There has yet to be another song, before or since “Jessie’s Girl”, that has properly used that word in the history of popular music. You have to give it to Rick back in the day. Is he holding back? Sure. But he’s still looking in the mirror all the time wonderin’ what she don’t see in him. He’s all funny and great but she’s still not dropping Jessie for Rick. I think the most intriguing part about this song is that you really want to root for Rick, his leather jacket and his guitar. He deserves Jessie’s girl and Jessie doesn’t.

And for all of you out there in unrequited love lust, you also deserve Jessie’s girl.